Before I start this, I just need to ________.
Decorate for Christmas. Organize my linen closet. But, that can’t be done until this bedroom closet is cleaned out, oh, and the bathroom. All of these items must be put into my home inventory app (yes, I have one.) Ok, now with those tasks done I should be able to focus, right?
I read recently that procrastination, or procrasti-clean as someone told me, was a psychological trigger for when we didn’t know how to start a task. And, in this instance, it’s absolutely true.
I’m starting with one of the hardest exercises; identifying my values. It’s logically simple. Examine your life, identify what traits do you hold in highest regard. Done. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t have just spent three weeks procrastinating. But, our house is spectacularly organized.
The biggest reason I’ve held off on this exercise is fear. This exercise is more than making a list of behaviours or principles you like most. It’s also asking why. And this fear was thrown into incredible perspective when I spoke about the value of honesty with someone.
I value honesty, as many of us do. Not only am I honest with others, but I require it in return. I use require intentionally because that is the transaction of our relationship. If I don’t receive it, then you’re not going to get my full self or any of me for that matter.
However, this person promptly asked, “but are you honest with yourself?” My well-worded answer about honesty seems to crumble when I turn it around on myself. Because the answer is no. Now, I’m not lying to other people, making up stories about amazing exploits to make myself sound better. But, I’m casually ignoring what’s going on in my life because “I’ll deal with it later” or “I just need to do this until…”
I’m procrastinating on my own honesty!
The question that naturally comes up is then, what are you not being honest about? Three, two, one…
Working with people I don’t jive with because I need the income
Spending countless hours on the computer staring at words I don’t resonate with
Feeling constantly behind and that I’m letting people down
Not feeling confident in the work that I’m delivering
Acknowledging that digital marketing may not be the career I want to be in
Maybe you can hear the heart palpitations I’m having right now. All I want to do is defend these statements. I jokingly tell people that I have the ability to rationalize anything, and I’m trying desperately not to rationalize these statements.
I'm allowing myself to come to the stand to defend these statements though…just a little. I have to remember they are only emotions. Incredibly important, of course, but they don’t represent facts. I know that many business owners have felt similar in their work yet, they can't talk about it until after they've 'figured it out' (and publish it in their new book).
Jokes aside, I know why it's hard. It’s freaking scary to announce that to the world, especially among people that you work with. After writing this blog's draft, I felt like I'd been running sprints for a hour my body was so exhausted.
I now have dive into these emotions and figure out what they really mean. Luckily the house is now organized and I can focus on this exerciseal…though, I do need to do a thorough review of my hard drives…I now have to go recover from the exposé of my vulnerability.